HOW DO YOU COPE WITH AN ADD SPOUSE?

Note from Bob: a reader who is the wife of an ADD man submitted the following article. She wishes to remain anonymous. But don't worry: she isn't YOUR wife!

HOW DO YOU COPE WITH AN ADD SPOUSE

Marriage is hard. Two people blending their lives to support and accommodate each other are difficult enough. But marriage to a person with ADD is much, much harder.

Marriage to an ADD person is a roller coaster ride. It is frightening and frustrating and wonderful. It is exhausting and lonely.

While the predominant gender speaking out on ADD Internet sites is female, statistically, men are more likely to have ADD than women. That means the spouse of an ADDer is most probably a woman. A tired and lonely woman.

For that reason, this article is written the way it is. But the information applies to both men and women.

Ironically, being married to a man with ADD puts you in a similar position as the ADDer. His disorder and behaviour demands all of your attention. That leaves you with little attention for anything else, including yourself. It leaves you with an artificial attention deficiency.

Even when he's working his hardest to please you, you may think he's oblivious to your existence. Here's a conversation played out in ADD marriages across the continent:

"You only think of yourself. You don't even notice me. You pay no attention to me at all!"
"But honey, I've been thinking about you all day!"

Sometimes your husband focuses so hard on pleasing you, that he can't see the forest for the trees. He's burning up the brain wires, thinking about you, and in his hard focus, completely misses the fact that you're talking to him, dancing around him, or wearing green feathers in your hair.

I don't have all the answers. But I have gained some wisdom from experience. Here is some advice for the spouses of those with ADD.

REMEMBER WHO HAS THE DISORDER

You can help your spouse seek help, assist with his personal organisation, and try to make life easier for him, but it is not your job to "rescue" him. As frustrating as this feels, you cannot make his ADD go away any more than you could make another person's diabetes disappear.

You are not responsible for his disorder.

You are not responsible for his depression, his mistakes, or his frustration. Neither is he responsible for yours.

If you are being blamed for your spouse's frustrations or unhappiness, do not accept the blame. If others tell you that you're not supportive enough, that you should "get him some help", do not accept the blame. Say it out loud if you have to, "I do not accept the blame for my husband's medical condition."

WORK AT NOT ENABLING

Because women's roles are culturally supportive of their husbands and children, many wives of ADD men end up being the family janitor. They pick up their husband's socks, pick out their mother in law's birthday card, pay all the bills and wipe up the spilled coffee.
What complicates this scene is the outdated notion that men are incompetent beings outside the office, and need a woman to look after them. Our society tends to reward this, and many women relish the power of being the efficient, mothering caretaker of such a great, big helpless man.

But there are better, healthier ways to feel powerful and efficient. (Try school, work, learning new arts or skills.)

Lots of women do this on top of all the other family responsibilities. And for some, even a full-time job. But try to remember you married an ADULT. If he forgets his mother's birthday, despite the fact that it's written on his daytimer in red, it's his problem. (Send your own card, if you wish). Leave the socks where they land and look past the coffee stains. Take HIS tasks off YOUR list.

For most women, this is easier said than done, but being someone else's personal slave builds resentment and benefits nobody. If you feel guilty doing it for yourself, at least do it for your husband. He is being cheated. Your husband will never learn to experience life, with all it's soaring beauty and mundane drudgeries, on any level, if you deal with it for him.

Note that, as a wife of an ADDer, I find myself teetering on a fine line with this, my own advice. When the bills aren't paid, it's my telephone that gets shut off, too. When the coffee stains sit on the carpet, it's my carpet, too. What I've had to do is consciously choose my responses according to the consequences. I may wipe up the coffee (or better yet, point it out to my husband and tell him where the sponges are located), but I never pick up socks. Let them petrify on the floor if you must.

BE SELFISH

Over and over again, on discussion boards and newsgroups, wives of men with ADD complain about their husband's selfish, narcissistic attitudes. Here's my theory. Part of this disorder is a limited focus, or a narrowed area of attention. This is exhibited as a strong self-focus, though it's actually more of a "filtering out" of the sounds, sights and activities that bombard the ADDer. Sometimes your distracted spouse simply doesn't have the attention to give you.

This is very hard for most women. We are raised to be nurturing, to think of others, to put our families first. It's part of our society and part of our biology. For the spouse of an ADD man, the role of wifely selflessness is a lonely, unrewarding one.

It's also difficult for a husband to accept a touch of selfishness in his wife. Remember, ADD or not, he's been raised in the same society, and he truly has no idea how much energy you've put into him. (He can't pay attention, remember?)

I have found that if I put myself last, that is exactly where I'll stay. And nobody deserves to be put last all the time.

If you don't put yourself first, nobody else will. Fact is, as the wife of a man with ADD, you are going to get less assistance, less appreciation and much less attention than many other wives do. He has a deficit of attention--There simply isn't enough to go around.

So give YOURSELF a good dollop of attention now and then. You've earned it.